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Is Openness to BDSM a Deal Breaker for You? Here's How to Broach the Topic
by Dr Lori Beth
The advice about when to have sex when dating is often:
If you are looking for a serious relationship, wait to have sex until you get to know each other. Often what goes along with this advice is a belief that sex does not need to be talked about because it is ‘natural’. My experience as a sex & intimacy coach and a psychologist is that sex may be natural but desires vary widely amongst people.
Many couples have sex before talking about what turns them on. If your desires are kinky, this can cause problems as the relationship progresses. If the first times you have sex, things are decidedly ordinary, your partner can be forgiven if he assumes that your tastes are vanilla. I advise people to have ‘the sex talk’ early on in a relationship and to include talk about your fantasies, desires, biggest turn-ons and turn-offs. Have ‘the sex talk’s when you have plenty of time and are both sober.
If an unwillingness to experiment with BDSM is a deal breaker and you are concerned about bringing it up directly during the first couple of sex talks, here are some ways you might introduce the subject:
1. Ask them about the erotica he enjoys reading. If they don’t read erotica regularly, read them an excerpt from your favourite BDSM erotica. Make sure that you don’t choose the most hard core part if you are into intense BDSM. I would avoid reading them the branding scene in the Story of O, for example. Try a scene with light spanking, or someone being blindfolded.
2. Suggest watching a movie that contains erotic power exchange. It need not be pornography. The original version of Swept Away (Lena Wertmuller starring Giancarlo Giannini) is filled with scenes of power exchange and light BDSM. The original 9 ½ Weeks is another choice. For something a bit stronger, Secretary with James Spader is a great choice. Of course, 50 Shades of Grey is more obvious but in my view not the best choice as it is not nearly as erotic as some of the other movies.
3. Talk about your fantasies with your partner. Make sure to start with the BDSM-light fantasies. Perhaps your fantasy is that your partner agrees to obey you and responds with ‘Your wish is my command’. Or maybe your fantasy is to be blindfolded while your partner teases you with a feather. Or maybe you want to play pirate and captive or teacher and student.
4. Make sure to tell your partner the hottest bits of the fantasy, letting them know what they will experience. Highlight how hot these kinks make you and how horny. Make sure they know that if they indulge they will benefit from a super responsive partner who wants to do what they want.
5. Add some BDSM-lite to your sex. Tell your partner that you want to change things a bit and ask them if you can blindfold them and tease them. If they agree, use a variety of implements to create different sensations as you tease them. Start with easy things like a feather, move to something like a fur flogger, and then to something that might cause just a little pain like your nails. Or ask your partner to bind your hands to the bed with silk scarves and tease you or bend you over their knees and give you a light spanking. You might get consent to try some temperature play and use ice or drip wax. When people are aroused, inhibitions are lower so they are more likely to respond positively to new experiences.
Make sure you are clear about what your desires are and that you can explain them to your lover. Make sure to keep up communication and especially to let your lover know how much you enjoy whatever you add to your sex life. The more enthusiasm you show, the better. Answer all questions with patience and in detail. Be open to exploring and let your lover know you are open to exploring as well. Take your time introducing your lover to some of the more advanced activities that you may desire. Make a commitment to talk openly and honestly about your desires with your lover and refrain from judging each other. If you don’t share a particular desire, look for ones you do share.
If you do find that your lover is absolutely opposed to any form of BDSM and that is a deal breaker for you, have the courage to end the relationship. Suppressing your authentic sexuality isn’t healthy and doesn’t work in the long term. It is better for both of you if you find people who share your sexual interests.
If you find you are too anxious to approach the subject, consider a few sessions with a sex coach who can help you to lower your anxiety and prepare for talking with your lover. Some of my clients have come as individuals to get ready to talk with their lovers and then come as a couple to work out the best ways to integrate kink and BDSM into their sex lives. Others have brought their partners to have the talk with me present because they are afraid to broach the topic alone. The more comfortable you are with your own desires, the easier it will be to communicate about them to others. Once you have fully accepted your sexual self, your anxiety will dissipate.
Recommended for you: The 7 Keys to Successful Spiritual Dating
Dr Lori Beth is a sex & intimacy coach, psychologist, educator, speaker and author. She works with individuals, couples and polyamorous groups to find and create their ideal intimate relationships. She helps people heal from sexual trauma and move beyond into healthy exciting sexual lives. She is kink knowledgeable and helps people integrate and understand their own kinks. Dr Lori Beth has two weekly podcasts The A to Z of Sex â and Sex Spoken Here on iTunes. To book a free 30 minute strategy session go here or email her here
