We all hear these words and at times wonder what exactly they mean: Sacred, Connection, Soulful & Sexuality. My experience is that they mean different things to different people and that it is worth having a conversation to find out what it is that they mean to me versus what they mean to you.

Here is my definition over many years of fine-tuning, exploration and curiosity.

Sacred:

Beyond special it holds a space in my life with reverence, respect and love – it could be a practice, an experience, an item or a person.

When we bring sacredness to our intimate life or sexuality, we tend to treat each other with respect, both parties experience being seen and heard, being fully expressed (within consent, safety and boundaries) and often there is mutual pleasure.

Connection:

The way something or someone is brought together to interact.

Why would we want connection with someone we like, are attracted to and are hoping possibly to love and find commitment - because without connection it is all downhill, you may not exactly know the wiring in your house how it comes from the street and brings light into your kitchen but you do know to look for a switch and if you can’t find it or it is faulty then there is no light, no connection and you are left in the dark – possibly by yourself.

As mammals we love connection and in relationships it is the connection, the bonding, the maintenance, the glue that keeps us together and desiring to stay together. Other things can go but once this goes people tend to complete their relationship very quickly.

Soulful:

Bringing all of me; being included, the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual; allowing the whole being to be brought to a soulful place or experience.

Soulful connections in the bedroom (and everywhere) connects us on all levels with our hearts, genitals and minds to expand to another plane often this is referred to as existential sex or transcendental sex, usually referred through in pictures of two beings entwined with colours all around them and looking quite ethereal, blissful and deeply connected.

This type of soulful connection is thought to keep us in our ‘couple bubble’ longer because not only are you connecting physically and having the juicy hormones running it keeps them maintained over a longer period of time. As a result you are less likely to have the dreaded ‘come down’ or  feeling of tiredness, lethargy and annoyance.

Sexuality:

How I express my sexual energy, intimacy and vulnerability – beyond gender, sex and limitations.

Once we have tapped in, tuned in and have a sense of our own, sexual energy (kundalini, chi, prana, life force etc) there are many, many ways to express it in the world. In the beginning it might feel like you are making it up, go with it and see where it leads… be curious…

Some ways are:

With ourselves:

• Circulating; we can explore by focusing on moving our sexual energy around our bodies. A popular circulation method is by moving energy from the genitals to the heart or crown or both. Connecting these areas with intentional flow.
   
• Healing; after building our sexual energy we can then direct it into a part of our body or spirit for intentional healing.
   
• Sex Magic or Manifestation; setting an intention and creating space for a project, creation or object to become manifest or actualised. Once you have set up in your intention and built your sexual energy - at the moment of climax, orgasm or ejaculation you send this energy into your intended creation.

With others:

• Circulating with someone else can be fun and lift your connection and presence together. Have a conversation on how you would like this to possibly look as the energy builds between you, you are both going to intend to send your sexual energy out of your crown and into the others down through the heart and into the genitals where it then comes back to you – YOU are both giving and receiving, this can take some practice to get the flow happening and be aware of both sensations.
   
• Sex Magic and Manifestation, together you set your intentions – they don’t but can be for the same intention (committed relationship, children, home, love, happiness, joy etc) you build your sexual energy together, keeping each other in sync and at the moment of climax, orgasm or ejaculation you send your combined sexual energy into your intention.

Naturally, you can still have your orgasms come and go as you please with no special attention or intention. Sexuality is about having fun and expressing your way.

I would invite you to have this conversation with yourself and with your partner and see what they say, feel and mean when they hear and use these words - then we can all be on a page, fingers crossed on the same one.

We reach a time in our lives when we want more than sex with just body parts being put together. We reach a time when we want to meet and be met at a level of depth, congruency and intimacy, that makes our bodies shudder with anticipation. Sometimes we diagnose ourselves with a sexual dysfunction (premature ejaculation, lack of desire, just not feeling aroused) instead of knowing we desire more, more connection, intimacy, love and vulnerability. The next time you think your body might be letting you down, consider it might need more from you and your partner.

Let’s find out what the 3 Secrets are so that you can begin practicing:

# 1 Secret – Time

Make time for each other without distractions, it is very easy to be distracted these days, phones, devices, Netflix, the never ending ‘to do’ list. 

Try setting time each day to listen to one another without interruption, in presence, being in your body, relaxed, not trying to think of an answer or something funny to say.

Often in relationships one person likes to speak more than the other, in the beginning this is very cute, if we are the talker we think isn’t this lovely – they really enjoy hearing me. If we are the quieter one we are relieved we don’t have to speak, over time this switches to the talker is left wanting more from the quieter person and the quieter person wishing the talker would stop.

Setting good habits for everyone to feel seen and heard is invaluable sometimes the quieter person just needs to know that someone wants to listen and be given space, safety and encouragement for this to happen.

Try this: Sit comfortably together, you might like to use cushions for support, make yourself as settled as you can so you can be present with your partner.

Set a timer with 3 or 5 minutes and ONLY one person speaks at a time. Even if the person speaking doesn’t use their time it is silent until the timer goes off – you might be surprised what boils up in the silence and space and the allowance.

Over time you probably don’t need a time you will have a habit of listening with presence, patience and without the desire to respond straight away.

# 2 Secret – Closeness

Being close helps with connection and bonding, often we have sex because we are looking for closeness. 

There are a few things you can try to enhance your closeness, and one in particular is not being goal oriented, climax focused or having expectations of something leading somewhere eg. ‘We had a delicious deep kiss this means we will head to penetration’ this might happen and yet it could also be a delicious deep kiss to keep you close, fuelled up and stealing a few moments in time.

You might also like to try:

• Holding hands
   
• Sending ‘thinking of you…’, ‘what I would like to do to you’… text messages
   
• Full body hugs for 3 – 5 minutes and sink into the hug, clothed or naked
   
• Stroking each other
  • On the lounge watching a movie
  • After sex
  • Whilst someone is washing up or cooking (always safely)
  • In the shower
  • In your play together
  • Not finishing sex as soon as one of you ejaculates / climaxes, maybe staying connected in that position or coming closer together laying, hugging and being with each other and savouring your experience together.
     
• Looking into each other’s eyes – they say ‘the eyes are the windows to the soul’ sometimes people are not comfortable with this and the first few times you try it you might find you’re a bit giggly or your mind says this is very silly (or worse). The benefits for sitting and allowing yourself to be seen and seeing your partner is that you are creating synergy together.  Our bodies react to our nervous system, when it is relaxed often taking cues from our partners bodies, our body follows suit and relaxes and then we can notice and become aware of more sensation, more pleasure and the possibility of more orgasmicness.

Try this:

Sit together, comfortably and look into each other’s eyes – what do you notice in your own body?  You can speak to each other about what is going on for you… I notice I feel silly, my heart is expanding, I am getting turned on, I see the person I fell in love with, I have tears, I feel disconnected, I feel loved... speak out your noticing and what is going on for you.  You are likely to be very surprised.

# 3 Secret – Curiosity

When was the last time you looked at your Lover with curiosity with an innocence of exploration and saw the being behind the eyes, that divine being you fell or are falling in love with.

What helps curiosity?

Knowing our own bodies:

I always recommend an erotic practice for ourselves. If we play sport or an instrument we know the value of practice, practice and more practice so we can bring our best selves to the game. If we know what we like and don’t, our limits, our curiosities then when we play with our Partner we are able to express this verbally or non verbally.

Being comfortable in your body:

No matter what size, shape, colour or ability our bodies have, they are what we currently have – they are here to bring, express and know pleasure on the physical plane. There is no point in I driving ourselves crazy with the thoughts – I will be more comfortable when I lose 5kg, am fitter, can wear that sexy outfit, can dance or whatever your mind is torturing you with. Make peace where you are at and enjoy the body you have right now and YES certainly you may want to change it BUT don’t wait, we don’t always know how much time we have together.

It also means we can have intimate time with the light on, which can make it much easier to see what is happening, what we are doing and what reactions we are getting from each others bodies, faces – we can see the nuances and adapt accordingly.

Asking Questions:
Sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know, and the only way to find it is to ask questions, try some different movements, positions, touch, pressure, it is helpful to be asked questions…

What would make this better?

How is the pressure? 

How is it with more pressure – then move into more pressure in your action…

Wait for a short period of time…

How is it with less pressure – try your action with less pressure and wait for their response

The person you are touching will respond in one way or another maybe verbally… yes less, oh yes less… or hand gestures to have less pressure or the thumbs up for perfect pressure.

You can try the above questioning with most of your play, here are some examples:

• Speed – slow or faster
   
• Hands – fingertips or whole hands
   
• Holding – firm vs loose
   
• Skin – just above the skin or on
   
• Movement – if I move this way or this
   
• Change of position – if your _____ is here or there

Being curious means we don’t have to know how it is all going to turn out, we can have fun, play and let pleasure and sensation be our guides.

Saying thank you:

It can be difficult for someone to give feedback about touch or pressure, saying thank you to a response builds confidence to get more feedback and they feel like you are listening and receiving their feedback enthusiastically.

Having a Sacred Connection, does take work, commitment and practice. The benefits are numerous, you are investing in your relationship honouring each other. You are creating the best foundations for your life together.

I wish you well on your journey together and would love to hear your thoughts, how you went and what worked for you and what didn’t.

In Orgasmic Love,

Myola